I know people don't really follow me here of all places, because I've stopped posting my artwork here and whatnot, but I felt I might as well make this because it'll be the easiest place to view this update from any angles, since I don't plan on deactivating this account for a few reasons.

I'll try to keep this brief but as honest as possible.

The internet was my safe space for many, many years - despite whatever drama I got myself into. However, I have found that the closer I get to 25, the less happy I am here online. I'm not happy with a lot of the choices I've made, things I've said, done, etc - but above all, that safe space has been seriously jeopardized due to someone I know IRL who has taken it upon themselves to harass me and stalk me on a lot of my social medias.

I'm already looking into legal measures I can use to protect not just myself but my family members, too, since some of you do know me well enough to know I am an older sister and that above all, I need to make sure my siblings are kept safe and out of harm's way.

Due to my pursuing legal action, I won't give further details. It's a massive reason for me moving accounts, becoming private, and refusing to publicly post anymore. It's that serious to where I have nightmares of being attacked/assaulted, I panic whenever I'm in public, and overall fear for my safety and the safety of my loved ones. It's not fun. I had the internet to escape reality, but that is not even safe for me anymore.

On top of that, I'm just... not proud of what there is out there when it comes to my work, certain events and behaviours, etc. I'm not the person my beloved late grandfather wanted me to be, at least online. I'm going to be 25, and half of the shit I used to care about even a year ago is stuff that matters so little to me now, and I question why I cared to begin with.

There's also the matter of my overall health. It's bad. It is getting to a dangerous point, and I am very much living on borrowed time. Considering how and why my grandfather died, I fear a similar fate, just far sooner, and the reality is... I do not want to see him just yet. I am not ready to die an easily preventable death. My grandfather would not want to see me so soon either. I have to get it together and improve my health overall in terms of physicality and mental health.

Thus, for my safety, sanity, and for the sake of my giving a massive fuck about the legacy I leave behind offline and online, I will be taking a pretty big step back. For the sake of my trying to live a happy, healthy life with the people I love, I need to dial down the amount of time I spend online.

I've already cut down on a lot of social media usage (no longer using twitter, IG, or even this site). You're only really gonna be able to reach me through discord, but if we're not already close, you aren't going to hear much from me. This is especially due to my having a job now, and my attempts to find community offline instead of online outside of my main group of friends.

I guess, I also just wanted to say, really... I'm not proud of the person I've been in my early adulthood. There's been a lot of things I've said, done - stuff I wish I definitely didn't do or say. I have a lot of regrets, remorse, shame, and sadness. I no longer want to be a person I'm not proud of being, and I no longer want to be someone my grandfather would not approve of. I was raised to be so much better than this, and I want to be better than this.

So... if I've caused you needless heartache over trivial and petty reasons, know I am sorry. Even if I thought I was doing the right thing or did the right thing, I know I'm a very headstrong and impulsive person who is often far harsher than I need to be. I'm very clumsy when I'm fired up, and it's often far more destructive than I wish it to be.

If I've done something to slight you - purposefully or not - I am sorry. There's far too much I'd apologize for, but I'd rather apologize and try to move onto something better. I'm too old to upkeep behaviour from my early adulthood, and I no longer want to be whatever the fuck this is, to be honest. I want to live a happy and fulfilling life with my partner, and stop getting into painful situations that hurt myself and the people I care about it - offline and especially online.

If I've directly caused any sort of drama be it purposefully or not, know I am sorry too and did not want chips to fall in a certain way or for people to get hurt, no matter the reasoning.

I still will lurk around when I find the time / motive, and of course, work will be fulfilled and sent out privately. I still will also retain my OCs ships and the OCs themselves, because I still do care, and maybe one day, I will find the courage to share my stories with the world again.

I'm going to be putting my best foot forward, and logging off instead of lingering to wallow in all the shame, pettiness, hurt, and anger.

If you need me, you're free to leave me a note here. I'll get to it when I can. If you have me on discord, you can reach out there for a much more quicker response.

I love you all, and wish you all the very, very best.

So... I thought through some stuff, and I decided to pretty much take down my blacklist, mostly because I just... am too tired and stressed out IRL to keep track of who has what or who has access to what of mine. I cannot keep up, am losing interest in staying on the internet as is (due to safety concerns above all), and I cannot enforce things seamlessly without having to relive traumatic situations at worst or petty nonsense at best.

At this point, there are only about 3 people I do not want getting ahold of my designs or art, but I will keep that to myself. Those people know exactly who they are and why they are blacklisted from owning anything I've created. Because they know, I doubt they will make the active effort to get ahold of my work in any way, shape, or form. Also, at least two of these people are not very active to begin with as far as I am aware, thus, won't be getting anything of mine.

If you wish to triple check with me the users who are blacklisted, you're free to reach out, but I'd rather keep it to myself and not have to relive stuff, as I've stated. I will only note that the 3 people I've listed are not from recent events of any kind. These people have been blacklisted since 2020 at the earliest, if not far earlier than that.

I thank everyone for their support over the years and for abiding by my blacklist accordingly.

Otherwise, the slate is wiped clean for others who were on the list, because I just don't foresee it becoming an issue or being worth pursuing, dragging out, etc.

I will say in terms of CS MYO designs I've made, if you no longer wish to have them (ICCs or Dainties) I would, as I've politely requested before, would just like them returned to me. I am more than happy to abide by deals and try to work out solutions for withheld designs or with people who no longer want my designs. This does not include guest designs I've made, customs I've ordered, or adopts I've purchased. Just MYOs.

Other than that, please just be respectful if reaching out about who is blacklisted. I'm more than happy to explain briefly, but would overall want mine + the other parties' privacy respected.

Thank you for understanding.

So, I'm not as active on this website or anywhere besides like discord, tumblr, and toyhouse but I figured, after thinking about this for a while, that this was long overdue.

So. I'm posting this because in all honesty, I'm very, very tired, and I'd rather just put my best foot forward and own up to shit.

To the ICC mods, community, and anyone who I was friends with/mutuals with: I'm sorry. You guys didn't deserve drama, mistreatment, or my pride getting in the way of everything else. I'm sorry for not being the best member/friend/mutual to you all.

While I still feel that there were legitimate issues and problems that massively affected me, as I've said before - that wasn't the fault of my former friends, mutuals, or the mods.

I still stand by my previous statements that the mods did their best, and still stand by my belief that it isn't their faults for what has legitimately happened to me within their community.

I still personally feel like there was a better solution, but then again, it was on me for not realizing earlier that things could've been easily rectified if I had just spoken up more, confided in the mods and trusted them more. I have no excuse for how I behaved in the species from the ages of 19 - til now.

Like... it is and never was truly worth it.

I'm not asking for much and I don't really want anything, either. I just humbly ask that if people don't want ICCs designed by me anymore, to please just return them to me. If the mods have some cows I've designed, please, all I ask and want is for them to be returned to me. I am willing to work out anything to get unwanted cows back (only the ones I have designed - not commissioned or purchased).

Please also note that I have not revoked designs from people and never fully planned to - it wasn't a threat - I just was considering it at the time and it would've only affected blacklisted people. I wanted to clarify this because I know in the past my statements were confusing / seemed threatening when they were not meant to be.

I won't cause anymore trouble all the same because like. It's not worth it. It never was.

As of this journal, my blacklist is going to be updated and I will be reaching out to other people where I can.

Please don't start needless drama on this journal, send hate, etc. If you have questions, I am open to them. If you want to/need to confront me, you are welcome to. I'm willing to apologize and take responsibility where I can.